La vie en rose

Too fat to work out & do I really deserve to be here ?

11 juli, 2020
Too fat to work out & do I really deserve to be here

To work out or not work out…

You might be reading this and not quite grasping what this is all about.

Or you might totally get it.

Either way I want to adress the following thought as I strongly believe that it is something many of us who are on the curvy/larger/fat side have thought of, and ironically enough the only thing which has has had me thinking differently is working out in an environment where I felt safe, welcomed and motivated.

I am not proud of the following thought that has crossed my mind over the years – but here we go.

”Do I, as a curvy/larger/fat person deserve to work out, or am I just too out of shape to even bother giving it a go? Do I need to already be slim, fit to be welcomed into a gym/studio etc.”

As ashamed as I am of it, I honestly felt that in order for me to go to the gym to work out, be healthy and happy I would first have to go on a diet to then, once I had lost weight, resort to the gym to get physically fit and toned.

In the past, when seeing heavier people out running I used to think of them as incredibly brave and strong for even bothering going for a run. That the hurdle of getting to the point of seeing results and ultimately becoming slim and fit was just way too immense, so then – why bother.

Back then I thought of exercise as something you did only to get results such as loosing weight or looking fit. Never did I look at heavier people out running thinking that the result they were looking for could possibly simply be that of getting to the point of enjoying it.

6 months ago I got to a place where I just felt my body craving movement. I wanted to move my body, feel more energetic, show up for myself, but without resorting to spinning or any other type of exercise I used to do excessively during the time of my life where I developed orthorexia in my late teenage years.

But there was a massive problem keeping me from getting my arse off the sofa…

I felt way too uncomfortable to put myself in a typical workout environment whilst being unfit, having to start from point A and slowly build up my strength, flexibility and stamina. I felt bigger and as though I would stand out too much in my lack of fitness be clumsy and take up too much space. I did not feel welcome at gyms as I told myself they were for people who were like I used to be : fit, strong, slim and well not out of breath and red as a tomato from doing exercise.

But you know what is interesting? Thanks to accidentally showing up for a BJJ class through Swiftr, that was supposed to be for beginners but really really wasn’t – my reason for working out shifted in a matter of 2 hours. It was no longer to look fit or be slimmer – it was to build up enough mobility, strength and stamina to be able to practice BJJ regularly. Although I was extremely unfit and uncomfortable that evening trying out BJJ, I felt so welcome and motivated by the people there.

6 months down the line I am now exercising at least 5 times a week, mixing extremely tiring HIIT-classes, core-strengthening pilates and yoga.

I have not lost tons of weight and I don’t look super fit, but I deserve to be in all the classes I am attending simply because I’ve showed up to them and most importantly because I’ve showed up for myself.

  • Svara
    Michaela
    12 juli, 2020 kl. 13:24

    Love your blog post and message you sent to all of us, to me… ❤️🙏

    • Svara
      gabriellakilleen
      12 juli, 2020 kl. 22:53

      Thank you very much Michaela ! Much love and thank you for commenting ❤️

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